Quean of Admissions

This is an experiment of writing a blog entry in a slightly different format… allowing for a completely organic/sporadic flow and tangents. A mental-free-for-all, if you will.


Hopelessly Devoted to Whom?

This time last year, it was the start of another new year; but a loaded year… Loaded with lofty expectations and high hopes, all resting squarely on the shoulders of one bright-eyed intellectual.  Though he made it clear we all need(ed) to take personal responsibility, acknowledging no one person can do it all and he could only humanly do his best with the tools and resources he had, people still viewed him unrealistically. As some more conservative folks might have put it dryly; essentially a false deity.  It’s at this point nearly cliché to comment on the hope Obama instilled in this country when it seemed like we most needed it.  He was wise to not phrase this hope and encouragement of higher aspirations with any specific end results or finalities.  Now it seems the American need of instant gratification has attached itself to a shamefully apparent sentiment of those millions who vehemently praised their Obama last year: disappointment.  I dare not even bother to get into the ridiculous criticism he received before the first 100 days even passed, but it became quite the sickening train-wreck to watch those lofty expectations wane and the momentum of disappointment gain.  As much as I personally tried to keep from getting too wrapped up in the excitement of this new administration, I’m guilty of setting my expectations a bit too high as well. I feel like many of the same folks who were just as verbose about Obama’s immediate impact as they now are mum about their whittled enthusiasm likely all share one thing in common…

Helplessness.  Passing the buck.  Feelings of worthlessness.

It really seems as if many truly missed the deepest and most beneficial message Obama gave us during the 2008 elections. (and actually still touts).  Based on my own path and the choices I’ve made to improve my own quality of life from the inside out, Obama’s biggest message is what actually inspired me to finally become a supporter of him in late August/early September 2008.  Sure, people say “he’s a motivator”, “he inspires through his words”… But what does that mean?  He repeatedly stated the American people have to pull their weight, have to do their work to truly make the changes our country so desperately needs.  The missed message of accountability and helping one’s self.  Also vague, I took that to mean work beyond making an income… beyond just getting by in any sense.  Beyond settling.  His words reminded me of my biggest fear of settling. Settling for mediocrity; settling for the idea of some sort of finality I’ll reach before retirement and being “done”.  Settling for an okay job with okay pay, an okay skill-set, an okay fitness level, an okay set of goals, an okay set of friends, an okay romantic partner with an okay interest in me with an okay self-awareness, an okay existence.  What the fuck kind of life is that? One that should be viewed as worthless of living.

[Me]-liability.

Regardless of what one believes spiritually, we can all agree we are here right now; we are here and (assuming generally acceptable physical/mental health) we are all accountable for ourselves… We are literally the only guaranteed constant we can rely on to be there in our lives.  If I smell horrible because I chose to go dancing the night before or just sit at home reading or playing video games all day/week… Nobody else is going to freshen me up.  I am the only one who is going to change that unhygienic situation.  Even with hygiene, there is no end-result one way or the other… One can always become filthier and one can always become cleaner because as soon as we’ve cleaned ourselves, our bodies begin dirtying again.  Now, there are several ways to get to that acceptable clean status as much as there is a gradient of what’s acceptable.  If one guy take a shower every 3 days, he will always be dirtier than the guy who takes a bath every evening.  Take that metaphor and apply it to quality of life in the sense of emotion well-being.

There never has been and never will be one definitive thing/person/concept/noun/action that “makes” us happy. Realizing the only person that can raise us up is indeed our own Self is essential to even beginning such a process. It’s said ignorance is bliss, but with all the miserable people out there ignorant of even a sliver of their own inner workings, that statement generally rings as “false” to me.  Put a depressed individual in therapy for 15 years because “they need to be there” and no progress will be made if he/she has not interest in utilizing the tools given.  Humans are funny in the way information is perceived, we may actually subconsciously want to “fix” ourselves; but even with the proper tools our brains’ subconscious still routes a path of least resistance.

An endearing phrase my father loves to embrace that at first listen seems crassly progressive, but really is the epitome of settling and underlyingly (creative adverbs ftw), the symptomatic American dream of materialism: “The more bread you have on your sandwich, the less shit you have to taste”.  Settling is startlingly easy, for something that inspires so much sadness and disappointment; most aren’t willing to work to forge their way to a more fulfilling existence…  Instead sticking to what they know and likely grew up with.  Scraping their spoon at the rock with high hopes of tunneling through Shit Mountain which will probably lead them to an impasse.  Shit Mountain spoon-scraping is so subtle that by the time exhaustion sets in, all you can eventually do is accept the shit and learn to live with it or turn around and start over (a reason I suspect people have mid-life crises). Some people are spoon-fed the dynamite to blast through Shit Mountain, but in the end the remnants of Shit Mountain still surround them because as it’s best said by Bat For Lashes, “a trophy of mercy is a trophy no more”.  Though it would seem the most efficient way would be straight through, Shit Mountain’s contents will still be surrounding the person years or a lifetime after rather than simply taking the time to assess this obstacle/acquire the gear and learn how to keep Shit Mountain under-foot as it is scaled and conquered skillfully/efficiently/mindfully.

Take Back the Insight.

2009 was a lot of Things to a lot of people, but for the bulk of us; it seems trial and serious Work became overriding themes.  In my own personal life, 2009 showed itself to be the most influential year of my adult life thus far; providing the most emotionally taxing and emotionally rewarding experiences beyond what I could have imagined prior to direct experience.  It’s since dawned on me 2009 was actually what might be described as my “quarter-life crisis”… Though, more accurately it would be labeled as a quarter-life metamorphosis.  The year started off with a bang in January (or perhaps the loss of one, as it’d turn out), a serious break-up from someone whom I love(d) deeply and was essentially engaged to be engaged to… Leading me on a long journey of reassessing every single value in my life.  With the help of a dear mentor, I quickly realized in my last fraction of 23 I’d banked on and fallen in love with my previous partner’s potential, not the person. I also not only allowed, but enabled many of my values to be compromised and pushed aside as secondary concern not only in the context of that relationship, but within nearly all of my interpersonal relationships and MOST importantly… the inner-personal relationship with myself.

Not too long after that jarring incident, many other extreme highs and lows would follow; both pain-inducing and gleeful…  As the year went on, I really began to embrace the concept of falling in love with myself… Putting Me first consistently instead of pandering to others, placating only what is best for the group at the cost of my happiness.  This probably came off as selfish to some, but really it was being true to me… happiness became a deeply honest first priority for me.  I pulled deeply into myself, an extreme extrovert who spent many nights home or coolly spending time with people I increasingly realized I had nearly nothing in common with… beyond a whole lot of surface views/mutual interests.  The more important it was to me to share experiences with these friends that had Depth, the more distance I felt.  This ruffled feathers of friends who were used to me being “the life of the party”, throwing that party, being the shoulder/the ear/the comic relief.  As much as I stopped showing up to these friends’ various activities which centered around bullshitting usually under the influence, they stopped inviting me.  I love bullshitting, but I realized that’s almost all I got from my main sources of closer friendship; the only deep conversations and moments I shared were when at least one of us was high and/or drunk.  I realized, some time in mid summer that though I admire(d) and love(d) these friends in many ways; namely their lofty ideas/entertaining personalities/career paths… they all lacked one value I cherish(ed) highly: striving for and continually attaining increased emotional intelligence.  I tried talking with a few of them about this concept, hoping perhaps my perception was wrong; but sadly communication wasn’t to be had on that level.

Losing nearly everyone I had hand-picked to let in, to be close with and share my life with in various contexts took a fucking serious toll, leading to some brutal depression which seemed to begin well before it was fact I’d lost them…  I am still surprised (and albeit relieved) months later I was able to come to terms and feel at peace so quickly about the death of so many connections.  Most all are still friendly with me, but I know we mutually will likely never be close in any sense and that’s okay.  The upswing to that mess was of course the universe’s bunny-out-of-hat-trick… An amazing set of people came into my life whom I share most values with as well as a deepened connection with a true life-friend whom is both a sister and platonic life partner to me…  Many might argue this positive balance is pure coincidence, but even as rational and often overly logical I can be; that is just ridiculous to me.  I don’t attribute such things to luck or anything mystical, but I feel whole-heartedly people manifest what comes to them.  A pessimistic quote by someone famous whose name I forget roughly states “Life’s lessons are just our mistakes.”  Perhaps so, sir (of course I remember his fucking gender, but no name); but without mistakes, what have we got?  Pride resides within all of us, we learn plenty from the words of others, written or otherwise conveyed… But only computers and eventually robots (oh, my beloved Data) can instantly process raw data into usable information. As humans, our brain has to receive the right updates at the right times to find such data applicable, we are our own producer and end-user.

Stop, Drop and Roll… I’m on Fire.

Through pain comes learning, through learning comes comprehension, through comprehension comes mastery, through mastery comes adjudication, through adjudication comes action.

As a woman, I know all too well the subtext we are taught even in my generation and even more so in generations past of how “honorable” it is to put others first.  Since when did it become dishonorable to put one’s own happiness first? Pandering to others already had one foot out the door by the time my 2009 started, but even before the year’s end it got shoved off that moving train.  It’s funny how harsh it sounds to say “I come first”/ “I’m in love with me”/”If _____ doesn’t fit into my path and subsequent continued happiness, it/he/she/etc doesn’t have much of a substantial place in my life”… At first glance, ‘twould seem as though that person sees life and relationships as transactional, but in reality; the ebb and flow of giving couldn’t be more pure, couldn’t be stronger.  More than ever I want to share with and give to people whom I share values with… More than ever I feel I can read people accurately with benefit of doubt considered as much as rational consideration.

More than ever I feel I have a fucking backbone, beyond making sure a disrespectful douchebag gets his ass handed to him; the kind that encompasses “sticking to my guns”… listening to my intuition and trusting it… Which means absolutely not allowing anyone or anything to dangle impasses between myself and my path and/or values.  These impasses, these restrictions usually are conditions pressed upon another due to conflicting value-sets.  I know what I want out of my personal interactions beyond what I believe are standards: shared creativity, intellectual communication, mutual inspiration, emotional intelligence… Balance.  When one stops looking at the potential of what someone can be and instead interacting with the person as-is, it’s amazing how much easier it becomes to actually accept someone!  Not surprisingly, it’s much easier to allow natural growth towards or away from one another to occur.

A dear friend recently said to me,”Man, I wish I could date people how you do… It seems so fun to have that variety!”

My answer?

“What? Trust me… As fun as it is to be slutty, a variety of partners is not my preference, quite the opposite is, in fact…I want something of substance… But, my standards are high and I have no idea when I’m going to find a partner that not only measures up but also actually has the balls to form a deeper connection beyond sweet words and my vaginal walls.”
Believe me, I’m fucking tired of being someone’s convenience… Someone’s “GFE” (girlfriend-experience) until something about our interaction intimidates them into realizing they have some unaddressed fears, until they feel they have to choose between “independence” and a relationship, until their concept of saturation is reached and they allow no further progression for irrational and often immature reasons, until I’m told I’m “too nice” or “perfect”, fuck it.  It seems as if too many feel that interaction initiation and reciprocation is no longer important because the initial “chase” is over, I let them in sexually and have made it clear I’m interested.  Beyond my standards, I require a partner who knows how to read him/herself as well or close-to-as-well-as-me… No exceptions. I’ve learned people that fail at those things have no worth romantically to me.  When it comes to dating men in particular, even the most open-minded ones seem to hold tight onto the stereotype women just want to settle down asap, have babies and cut off their balls… I’m not a fucking stereotype and definitely anything but typical. There’s a reason Serious Ex came back 6 months later to basically get engaged… He realized that line of thought was complete bullshit, he realized I’m atypical.  Excluding the last part (come on, why would most women or anyone want to take their partner away from the things/people they love? That’s some serious self-sabotage to force someone to be around the other that much when it’s not a mutual choice… or it’s an open invitation to some seriously codependent static cling), I eventually want both of those… But realistically babiez can’t happen till at least 30 after I finish my N.D. and even then, let’s see how far I get finding a partner that is just as into adoption as actual birthing… A seeming rarity.  Let’s be honest here, besides some blatant physical traits; men are attracted to my brain and independence… But it’s been my experience that those two things that drew them in begins to feel threatening when it becomes clear how unapologetically I embrace the Whore as much as the Madonna and inversely.  Fuck you, buddy; I’ll match or exceed your sex drive… confidently wear form-fitting clothing and still pamper you with fresh-baked goods and a nurturing approach when I have time to do so.

To quote Amanda Palmer in Dresden Dolls, “Even though you knew it from the start, I’d rather be a bitch than any ordinary broken heart.”  In fact, for the most part; “Good Day” by Dresden Dolls is an excellent description of how I foresee 2010 going for many people in my life including me.

Laugh it up.